Going into this you have to understand that I adore A PRINCESS OF MARS.  It was the first science fiction book that I ever read all by myself.  When I was a miserable 7th grader I’d dream about being transported to Mars and riding across the dead sea bottoms and exploring the vast ruined cities, and maybe a handsome Martian prince would love me the way John Carter loved Dejah Thoris.

And that is why, at the most basic level, the Disney movie failed.  There were a whole lot of other reasons why it failed and deservedly so, but this failure to understand the heart of this book, and the following three books culminating in WARLORD OF MARS, is why it didn’t work.

So, let’s start at the beginning.  But which one?  

First we have the inexplicable opening on Mars with people babbling about Zodanga and Helium, and a voice over trying to explain that this weird walking city was some kind of big threat to the planet, and that Sab Than is a bad ‘un.

Next we’re in New York City with (apparently) our hero being followed, but we don’t know why.  They then Edgar Rice Burroughs shows up, and there’s all the stuff about the mausoleum, and the journal.

Which takes us to beginning number three in the Arizona desert which goes on and on, and I guess the point of it was to show us that John Carter “don’t-wanna-practice-war-no-more.”

But finally we get to Mars, and there’s a running and not very funny joke about how they think his name is Virginia.  Cut back to Dejah Thoris who is told she has to marry Sab Than to save Helium.  Then suddenly we’re back in the desert with the Tharks, and there are airships, and now Dejah is running away and there was no transition at all.  I got whiplash.  I’m betting there is a scene or two that shows that, but it didn’t make the cut.

So then there’s a lot of running and fighting, and the mysterious Therns keep showing up, and they seem to have all kinds of amazing powers, but can be killed with a Colt revolver.  And there’s some kind of big threat to Barsoom, except I have no idea what it is.  The Therns want the walking city to eat… the essence… of…Barsoom?  I guess?  Maybe?

More fighting.  Good guys win.  Hooray.  John and Dejah marry.  Carter gets swept back to Earth.

Where Edgar and Carter defeat a Thern and then Carter lays down in the crypt and goes back to Mars.  And I still have no frigging idea what was threatening Barsoom aside from Sab Than’s army jewelry. 

The casting was weak.  Especially John Carter.  Taylor Kitsch had no charisma, very little charm.  He looked like he’d escaped from the set of 90210.  They really needed a young Salma Hayek for Dejah.  Lynn Collins got better as the film went on, but everybody was overacting like mad.

Finally, Carter’s abilities on Mars just made me giggle.  In the books he can leap a long way.  30 feet, maybe a few hundred, but in this film he can damn near fly, and land without breaking every bone in his legs.  It ended up looking silly.  

Also, there is a lovely subplot in there between Tars Tarkas and his daughter Sola, and the power of love.  In my script I played that up because it is a perfect echo to the main story.  Here, it was lost in all the gibberish about ninth rays, and Therns and Zodanga eating the essence of Barssom….. huh?

The script really was the biggest problem, though the acting didn’t help.  The script needed to establish clearly and quickly what was at stake.  What was threat?  It needed to pick one opening and start the damn movie.  Finally, the writers never grasped the theme.  I don’t know if Burroughs had any idea this was what he was writing.  He may have just thought he was writing a swashbuckling adventure story, but A PRINCESS OF MARS, GODS OF MARS and WARLORD OF MARS encompass the story of a love so great that a man will fight his way across the length and breadth of a world for the love of a woman.  During this course of this epic undertaking he will end centuries long wars between the peoples of Barsoom, unite the planet, solve the problems that threaten the lives of everyone on Barsoom.  (In the first book it’s the failing atmosphere plant), but all of it is driven by his love for this woman.

Lose that and it’s just another action flick with a whole lot of CGI.  Maybe there was a story in JOHN CARTER, but I never understood it.  I needed to understand the nefarious plot of the Therns and Zodanga.  Yes, it’s just the red herring on top of the real story — how John Carter wooed and won the love of a Princess of Helium — but I needed to see the threat to that love story, and I never did. 

I don’t mind Dejah being a scientist and kick ass warrior woman, we need that for a modern audience, and I like kick-ass heroines, but I needed to feel the heat, the passion between these people.

When I was brought in to work on the script everyone kept trying to find an “arc” for Carter.  In one version of the script I read he was a coward, and only because of Dejah does he find his nerve.  In another he’s an alcoholic, and only because of Dejah does he dry out.  This one he seems to be unwilling to “fight for anyone again”.  This search for an arc really was beside the point, because it was a story about a love that transcended millions of miles and vastly different cultures.

I thought the dead family back in Old Virginia had promise, but they never really developed it. Bottom line, the writers and director needed to make me care, and they never told me why I should.