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A Funny for a Gloomy Wednesday

My friend, Sage Walker, sent this to me.  I have no idea of the actual origin, but it’s a lot of fun.  Enjoy.

On her  radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger ( A popular conservative  radio talk show host in the USA) said that homosexuality is an  abomination according to the Bible , Leviticus  18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The  following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a  US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as  well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
 
Thank  you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have  learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge  with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the  homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that  Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End  of debate.
 
I do need some advice from you,  however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to  follow them.
 
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may  possess slaves, both male and  female, provided they are  purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that  this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?  Why can’t I own Canadians?
 
2. I would like  to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price  for her?
 
3. I know that I am allowed no contact  with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual  unseemliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have  tried asking, but most women take offence.
 
4.  When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates  a pleasing odour for the Lord – Lev.1:9.. The problem is my  neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?
 
5. I have a neighbour who  insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states  he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him  myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
 
6. A  friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is  an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is  a lesser abomination  than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are  there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
 
7. Lev.  21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have  a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear  reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there  some wiggle-room here?
 
8. Most of my male friends  get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their  temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die?
 
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8  that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may  I still play football if I wear gloves?
 
10. My  uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting  two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by  wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread  (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme  a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of  getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair,  like we do with people who sleep with their  in-laws?
(Lev. 20:14)
 
I know you have  studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable  expertise in such matters so I am confident you can  help.
 Thank you  again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal  and unchanging.
Your  adoring fan,
James M.  Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor  Emeritus Dept. of
Curriculum,   Instruction,  and Special Education
University of  Virginia

 

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